Mundane snip-its of my life

Frustrated.....what's new

2009-12-17T00:09:17Z

So here I am on the phone banging it out again, well more like thumbing it. *sigh* I loath tension. I also loath people's stupidity and their idiocracy. Why can't people just cooperate and be kind to each other?! Nope. Instead they have to be petty and nitpicky and bossy. Sickens me. I don't have the gal to act that way. I try my best to do what I can for all parties involved, which tends to prove very difficult, mostly because people act so crappy. Why do I feel like crying now? *bites tongue* I'm so bloody tired been up since 8ish. Iwould love to keep thumbing away but the stupid arse battery is low. I want to go to Ireland or Austrailia....random I know, just came to mind.

godswallflower @ 2009-11-08T00:01:00

2009-11-08T09:16:41Z

     I just really need to get some stuff out. *sigh* I feel like ripping heads off. Anything that could get to me, has gotten to me tonight. I'll go in reverse. I'm gonna have to give up Lolita, seriously this time. I can't stand people! -_- I shouldn't say that but people around here are really trying on my patience, hitting all my nerves and making me so angry I feel it, physically. *deep breath* I was already shaky from my workout, not sure why...happens sometimes. The thing is, the two cat's don't get along, none of our cats have really got along, they just tolerate each other. They think Belle is a precious that she does NO wrong. But she's not, that cat starts fights with other cats outside, I've witnessed it and even have a video of it, lol...seriously I do. She prances around like she's a princess and they treat her like one too, they kick Velvet out of the room because they want the cat in there with them...and say it's "her" room. -_- So I know their gonna fight it and say...no no you don't have to get rid of her yada yada....but yes I do. I started letting her out because everyone else wanted to. I would have tried to keep her as an inside cat. Now Melissa's dad said, "She's never going outside again and is to be locked in the garage" What the hell?! Lock the cat in the garage, might as well get rid of it then. -_- They already won't let her eat anywhere else but a window sill. So, I'm gonna ask my sister to take her until I can get someone to take her. I hope that works out. *sigh*

      Ok, what else, earlier today we were out, were only going to be out a short while to look for a rug for my room and hit the dollar store, no big deal but it turned into a family event where we were out for hours and going around everywhere wasting time. I'm really trying to down size things in my room, give it more space, get rid of some things. So I was looking for a dresser on Craig's list, no success with that yet. So Melissa's mom needs to get rid of her's, she's got 2, but she wants a new one. So we went looking for dressers too. Norwin heard I wanted to a new dresser, a new rug, said what's wrong with what I had. Margie and Melissa told him I needed a rug that looked better, matched, and what not. That doesn't matter...the point is when we looked at dressers, he talked about getting me one at a couple stores. Margie threw a fit, she acted like a baby, sorry to say it but she did all "Why does Kim get everything!!? I want a dresser!" So I took off for a while, walked around. I'm just so tired of adults being so immature. -_- Kids are different, they are kids, their growing up and learning. Learning by their mistakes and learning to mature, they are supposed to act out, their kids. But adults, 60 something year old adults. -_- I mean, we all have our anger, our rants, we're human, I know I do. It's just, I'm sick of the jealousy and childishness of people. I don't know...I'm getting tired and don't feel well right now. I'm worried about Sasha too...u.u. I know God's got her but, what if...I don't know, don't really want to finish that sentence. The harder I try to feel better the more negativity and anger seeps into me. I'm gonna go...really tired..feel weird. Night for now

more grrrness

2009-10-29T20:27:26Z

I'm attempting to write this mobiley. I'm very stressed right now. I try to avoid it as much as possible but currently of it's IMPOSSIBLE! I was gonna go out for a walk but that didn't work out. I just want to go away to the furthest place I can think of. Just leave this place of animosity and enter a land where hakuna matata is the mantra. I hate people so much that's evil of me

godswallflower @ 2009-10-19T16:02:00

2009-10-19T23:41:01Z

Things.....things haven't been so good lately. And right now...I don't know if it's of my own making or other influences. I don't really know, not sure if I care, I mean, I do...I'm just confused. I've been trying to "get back to good" for a while now, and every time I think I'm there, I fall backwards. I pray, I do...correction, I wasn't praying much for myself. But I'm trying to now >_< NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dammit!!! Every time I sit down to do what I want or to get some peace of mind by writing SOMEONE or SOMETHING get's to me causing me a _____load of anger. u.u I hate this...I'm swearing too much. Even implied swearing is bad enough. It's just that if I don't do something...if I don't have some kind of release in pressure, I'm gonna explode, or do something that I'll regret. And I can't do that, I won't do that...I feel like I'm going crazy, and not the good kind of crazy either. I'm so upset right now...I need to take a deep breath and calm down. I'm just so scared of myself. I'm scared of me, what's in my head, what I want to do, how angry I get, my head hurts. And the thing is, I'm hiding it, hiding it all. NO one, around here knows how I'm feeling and I can't tell them for various reasons. No one would understand and if I told them all that was within me, I'd be going to the psych ward. And no I'm not kidding. I've been seeing horrible things in my mind, absolutely horrible things. Things I'd never do to myself or others. I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm asking God to help me, to protect me from myself. I'm so scared, I'm scared of myself. Last night, I felt better for a while. I did, I prayed, I laid it out before God, I told Him the truth, I admitted things to Him...and I know, I know....it's not a magic bullet. Prayer is awesome, God is awesome! and Almighty and He can do ANYTHING! but I know praying is supposed to make you feel better and lift a weight from your shoulders, but it's not gonna be an instant fix, God takes time, His own time to work on us. I accept that. It's just every time I feel better, I feel worse.

......

2009-10-04T01:51:13Z

I feel like blowing the house down like the big bad wolf, I know that sounds lame. I don't care. I'm just frustrated. I don't like people right now. When do I like them? Well, I don't hate them all the time. It's just...people ask questions that they have the obvious answers to, or that common sense or logic could answer, if they'd just take the time to think. It's so >_< And no one will leave me the !@#$ alone!! I'm sick or writing negative, angry things in this journal why can't they be good things? u_u I'm tired, I wish I could drive

Voice Post

2009-10-01T08:41:26Z

-_-....-_-...>_< and more -_-

2009-08-30T00:01:39Z

I'm so irritated! Don't know how many journal entries I've started out with that, probably tons. I just can't help it. I haven't been sleeping well, so I admit that probably contributes to my irritations and impatience. I feel so tired lately. I have energy and I work out, run, try to take care of myself but still, I just can't seem to get the right amount of sleep to feel well rested.

Thing is, I hate obligations. And hating obligations or even thinking of things as obligations makes me feel cruel. Right now I don't care because if I do, that takes justification away from my anger. And I do believe it's justified, maybe shouldn't get so mad about little things but right now that's just how I am. Like...ok...I'm mean. I don't mind sharing clothes but I'd appreciate some respect about it. Like...when someone wants to borrow your shirt, the shirt that you had planned on wearing today. And you A) either be nice and give it to them or B) be honest and say, "I was gonna wear that today" OR pushover answer C.) Be honest and say "I was gonna wear that today" and then end up giving in anyway -_-. Now... the kind person would say "Oh, that's fine, you go ahead and wear that, is there something else I can borrow?"...But no...instead they say "Fine.....then says I don't have any clean clothes so I need something"

IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DON'T DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY AND LEAVE IT LYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR FOR DAYS!!!!

-_- Seriously! I'm not trying to be mean, really, it's just rediculous...and then I get my other shirt back thrown on my bed with a "Here this one's still clean" when I know that OBVIOUSLY it isn't...*throws in in laudry basket and grumbles* I'm lucky to get anything back, half of my stuff disappears or get's kept. I don't like to see my clothes on the floor of someone elses room being stepped on. Call me picky but I like to keep my clothes nice. So if I borrow something from someone, I take care of it and wash it after I wear it. Is it too much to ask for the same respect?! Apparently so.

So..that'd be my first gripe. Well that and the fact that I had to get up to go somewhere I care nothing about. Do I want to go to a hardware liqudator wharehouse?! OH CAN I?! NOTHING WOULD BRING ME MORE JOY! You know how much I can't get enough of hardware stores!! *jumps up and down* I CALL SHOTGUN!.....and the sarcasmn oozes from me.
Thing is...there are places people need to go, and it's NOT necessary for me to be there, honestly, my presence is not vital there. But if I say No, or why, or I really don't want to or would rather stay home....I get crap for it. And yeah, I can take the crap, and once in a while I do. But I really hate dealing with it because it goes on longer than necessary and I'd rather save myself the grief by just going.

On to the third. Water. I LOVE water but forgive me if I'm selfish, but I hate sharing it! I mean, If someone really needs it or it's all we have, no problem. But when I fill up my bottle and have it with me, it's mine. I can't help it that other people don't have the intelligence to think, that maybe they'll get thirsty and to bring their own. -_- So guess what!? Mine becomes the community watering hole, yep. Free for all on Kim's water.

Just....blowing off some steam

2009-07-20T20:22:38Z

I am rather frustrated today. Don't feel good and so everything else seems generally annoying. I hate being a stereotype and conforming, I don't want to be like that...but that's beyond my control right now. I have so many things to do, need to be serious about eating right and working out but there's SO many things against me right now. One being how hot it's been, I've just had no energy some days. I try to at least take a walk or do some sort of excercise, but it's been so hard. And everyone has me going everywhere, taking my time away, sucking it up through a straw. Ugh! that's how I feel...ugh...-_-. I just want to stay in bed. Can't do that, can't do any of that now. Seriously my "freedom" is gone. Not totally just the little things in life that I consider bigger than most people do. Sleeping in a bit once in a while and not feeling like I'm lazy or it's a crime,....>_< got inturrpted lost my train of thought! GRRRRRR! *SLAMS FIST DOWN*

to tired to title...

2009-06-27T05:12:59Z

No one really gets it
No one really cares
they don't listen and don't understand
their all so unaware
bitter I may seem, bitter I may be
I hold these feelings deep inside
I don't want you to see
forgive me for these things I think
forgive me for my sins
I hold all this inside of me
right there beneath my skin
so you see the strength
you see the smile
the laughter and the light
but really what I am inside
is someone who wants to hide
Be strong, your strong, you'll be ok that's what they all tell me
but no one get's that sometimes I feel very weak
I don't want to be strong all the time
forgive me if that is my crime
no one really get's it
no one understands
they just ask and I do
I carry out their demands
trying hard to avoid any unneeded repremands
I just wish they could see
what exactly it is that I need
But maybe I don't even know
so for now I'll just go on with the show

What's going on inside of me??

2009-06-21T19:33:20Z

This has been an interesting week. Busy, tireing, lazy at times. Thursday was aweful and anything that could have happened wrong, happened that day. I won't go into the details now, just it was bad. Although I'm feeling better, I think I'm holding my frustrations deep inside me still. I had a really annoying dream last night...well this morning. I was back in high school, couldn't get to class, was late, no one would let me down the hallway. When I got to class I put my bag down in my usual seat and this girl comes and sits there and throws my backpack aside. I have no idea where it went to and while I was looking for it, I was supposed to be starting a test and waisted precious time and so I finally sat down to do that and I froze. I kept staring at the directions and they made no sense to me, then kept reading quesiton 1 over and over again and I just couldn't get through it. I didn't know anything!! I had to guess and then I got to this one that was weird and you had to look at these pictures and had to do something with matching the pictures to phrases. But they had NOTHING to do with the pictures. It made no logical sense what so ever!! I was so confused I wrote on the test "This makes absolutely no sense" and so I was -_- and u_u and turned it in knowing I was gonna get an F! I woke up really angry and upset by it and yet Praising God that it wasn't real. *sigh*
Cut to real life, last night I was so frustrated with this project for my Dad's day. OH my goodness...my dad....It just popped in my mind...I had a dream about him too o.o I forgot. We went to church and for some reason he was there, he was wearing a suit and he looked really nice and there was bearly anywhere to sit and then I saw him and we sat there by him. He smiled at me and touched my hand and it was so warm...his presence next to me was so warm, I could feel his love. I was amazed and so happy that he was there! And I turned to Melissa and said, "You see him right? He's really there right?" And she smiled and said yes. I was like 0_0 I'm not crazy. But it didn't seem like a big deal to anyone that he was alive and well there next to me, like he was always there. But to me I was like WHOA! 0_0...hmm *closes eyes*....how I loved that feeling of him next to me, the warmth, the love, I so want it back. Well...so much for reality. The project finally turned out, just not as expected. And it's all done finally! Yay!!!! I never want to see it again!!! lol I can't wait for this day to be over with, this celebration of life thing. I just want it done. I'm so not looking forward to it. I'm not sure how I'll be that day, happy, sad, angry, or too busy to think. Who knows. All I know is I want it over and done with. I need it over. Should have been done a long time ago like 5 months ago!!! This is too late to have a "memorial" way too late in my opinion. I needed something sooner. But well, nothing works out the way I want, should be used to that by now, don't know why I'm not. Well I should go get in the shower. I got some stuff to talk to God about. It's Father's day....u_u....I should be giving him something now, some card or cute little thing to make him laugh and smile, I should be hugging him......I just talked to him now....told him Happy Father's day and how much I love him, and appriciate all he did for me, for us. Great...now I'm crying again >_< ok...gonna go.

Who cares, I do but no one else does...

2009-05-29T21:06:47Z

I'm confused, and I don't know what's going on lately with people. It seems like there's this wave of apathy washing over everyone. And some how I'm on the shore, watching the as the tide goes further out. It seems as though, there's nothing I can do for anyone. I'm wondering if they even want me to care anymore. I really don't know what to do, I'll pray, although I don't feel like that's enough...but for now I'll just stand go turn the lighthouse on and wait.

"Where were you when everything was falling apart?"

2009-05-08T20:32:56Z

Why does everyone act like my presence keeps everything together? Why?! I don't know what I did but somehow my back started hurting a lot on the left side. So someone asked me to help them start the lawn mower and I ask if someone else can do it...no, they can't. 2 people don't know how e_e and one person won't help so that leaves it up to me. And she says, in a helpeless voice...."....I don't know what were gonna do then, I guess it just won't get done..." -_-....and before that:
I'm going to stay at my Mom's overnight, they want to know when I'll be back, I said tomorrow afternoon. Again in a helpless voice, "are you sure they'll let you come home? I guess I can't stop you if you want to stay over another night and come home Sunday" >_< You don't own me!!! No one owns me! But God! *sigh* I'm sick of people pouting and being upset because I am "unavailable" for something. People are gonna have to realize that I'm not gonna be around forever. I mean, I'm not saying I'm this extra special person it's just...people act like I'm the glue that holds things together. Well...I better go take care of that lawn mower....

Tired, longing...gotta get ready o.o

2009-05-01T04:36:40Z

Tis I again, with another chapter in the Oh so exciting life of Kimmy! (feel the sarcasm) *sigh*....Life is good but, eternal life is better and I long for that, I long for home. I sat down to write here...and I really want to but now my mind's kinda going blank. I have things to do and I'm doing my nails so....I guess I'll go for now, feel a bit distracted....really have to be in the mood to write here...

Flibberdygibbert!!!!!!!!!!! it's time to complain again....

2009-04-16T19:49:31Z

Eh....I'm in a complainy mood. I can't help it, I can't stand people's jerky attitudes! I want out of this place. I want a job, I want a reason, an excuse to get up in the morning and to be out of here. I want to be able to say, "I can't do it because I have to work." I'm tired of people having attitudes just because we (Melissa and I) have something to do, somewhere to go. They want us out of the house, they don't want us being home all day, so we leave and go places and they don't like it, they want us home doing their slave work. >_< I know, I know, I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like sometimes, when it get's demanding. Like their all DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS TOMORROW BECAUSE YOUR GONNA GET UP AND MOW THE LAWN. -_- Sorry...it's too late I HAD plans! I don't have to cancel them just to mow the lawn, why can't I do both? Mow the lawn then go do what I need to do?! Their just SO scared we aren't gonna make it home in time to make their dinner. e_e.....Like...if we come home a little late or just in time we basically go strait to the kitchen and start cooking so...why complain?! Why!? Your getting you yamn dinner!!! (yeah I know funny my substitute swear words) I mean bloody 'ell!!! What would they do if I had a job? If I had a job would they expect me to not go so I can do something here for them? Who knows.
See....the thing is, this is why I left home, left my parents. Because things got too much, I was tired of the demands put on me and that I felt like all I was doing was what everyone asked of me ALL the time and when I wanted to do something for myself, people would get mad at me. Hence the rebellion, hence the fights, hence me not caring anymore which lead to me leaving. *sigh* Now...it's kinda getting the same way. Not totally but on the verge, and maybe I don't have a right to be, but I'm tired of it. There's stuff I want, simple things. And I don't tell anyone or say them outloud because for one, I know their impossible right now and for the other because well, no one would care. So I'll say them now because...this is my journal, I can say what I want. :P

***Peace and quiet, serenity, sanctuary
***To be somewhat carefree, not worrying about everything and everyone (this one's probably impossible)
***To have enough money to buy the simplest things and to not have to wait weeks before I can afford something like...let's see, shoes, an apple, vitamins (sad I know)
***To go out and so what I want without anyone questioning why or where or when am I gonna be back
***To make dinner and eat when I'm hungry, not at 4 or 5 in the afternoon, not at noon on Sundays, when I want, if I'm not hungry, I'll wait...in otherwords be on my own eating schedule
***To feel like I have a sense of freedom

Those are just a few simple things I want and need. I'm just tired. And I know, I always say that but, it's true, I am. I really don't know. I don't know what to do, I want a job and yet I'm not making much of an effort and I use things as excuses why I'm not doing that. In one way yeah I could do more but in another way, everytime I set my mind to do it, something comes up and I have to leave to go do something for someone else. Like today I was going to go walk to put my application in at Hallmark and Value Village, I really thought about it but then we had to go do something for Angie and that usually takes forever. I need to get up earlier to get things done. It's just so hard around here. Because other people get up at like anytime between 7am and 10 am so if I get up around those times, I don't get the shower or someone will ask me to do something that I will feel obligated to do. It's like I have to find a way to sneak or plan what I want to do in a way where no one will know so they can't catch me to ask me to do something for them. Does that make sense? Not really but it does to me and it makes me mad. It shouldn't be that way. And so, I get discouraged and then I get so tired, I don't understand why I can't get up in the morning. I set my alarm and I get up and shut it off and crawl back in bed. I just can't bear the thought of getting up. I love sleeping, I can't help it. And it's so cold in this house still that I want to stay warm in bed. Like today, I tried to get up at 9:30 but I couldn't, I was just SO tired, so I decided to go for 10, couldn't do that either....got up about 11:15. I'm dissapointed in myself. WHY CAN'T I GET UP!!?? What the bloody 'ell is wrong with me?! *shakes head* I don't know....I really don't. I wish I had the cell phone. Monkey would've called me to wake me up this morning but I didn't have the phone. (I would have LOVED that)
-_- That's another thing I couldn't get the phone back because Melissa refused to take me to my mom's to get it and to get the check for her dad. She won't do anything unless it's on her terms. I could take the bus but then there's that thing again, me being lazy, not getting up, lack of money, people wanting to know why and where and when I'm going to be back and what not. I'm just, I'm getting really frustrated. With myself and everyone else. I just feel really Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr right now. u_u. It's like, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, I'm concentrating on trying to be healthier. Working out and such. And that's going great, I feel myself getting stronger and building endurance, I'm seeing little results. But I still feel like I'm not doing enough there. Like I could kick it up and do more. But even what I'm doing at times I have to really push myself to do it, cause some days I just don't want to. So far I've pushed myself and I've stuck with it. It's just really strange how when I have success with it, I start to get discouraged. I really don't know why I do that. It makes me angry. Ok well, I don't have much time and I gotta go soon so I'm gonna go see what's left of the sunshine and try to get in a small walk.

Biting my tounge

2009-04-14T01:47:47Z

*Deep Breath* Please.....Tell me why, it is SO hard to deal with anger. Right now it's not too bad, I'm dealing, I'm doing my best to give it to God. I'm trying so very hard. I just don't know what to do. If I don't get angry, it comes out in tears or sadness. >_< I've been trying to pray and talk to God a lot and hand it to Him. I've been kind of sensitive lately, physically and emotionally. Like people talking and noise is really getting to me. It's like extra loud and irritating!...I wanted to say more but I didn't have time and had to go cook. Now I have to leave...AGAIN! I just want to stay home alone. u_u

Don't let the Sun go down on me....

2009-03-14T20:40:04Z

I'm tired of worrying all the time. I really am. It's natural for me but I don't like it. It's not something I enjoy doing. Things are messed up right now. Like, really messed up. Crap >_<!!!! I have to leave. I want to be away from all this stress and tension. I know that's a selfish request but I'm tired of it. I can't handle the melodrama any more. I want some sense of simplicity. Too much to ask? Maybe. I don't feel good again. Why does the emotional have affect the physical so much. -_- The bomb's been dropped. My sister gave Norwin a letter, apologizing and and explaining her bankruptcy and that she can't pay for the loan he co-signed for. So now their freaking out, fighting, blowing things out of proportion...and I sit here and wait....I prayed a lot...but I'm waiting, waiting for them to come after me for this. To vent and yell at me. I know it's not my fault, it's not my fault and it's not my responsibility! I know I know, it's MY sister who messed up. But that shouldn't be on my head u_u. If I had the money, I'd just take it all and pay it off so no one would have to worry. I'd take care of it all, for everyone.
     Right now I have no idea what to do. I got up at 11 to take my vitamin suppliment and I have to wait 30 mins before I can eat. So I was gonna eat but then my mom came over with the note....and I got scared after she left. I'm hiding in my room like a wimp, so afraid to face them. I don't know what they'll do, what they'll say to me. So...I screwed up with my vitamin and I'm not eating cause I don't want to go in the kitchen. >_< geeze!!!!!! The melodrama! This situation made them fight and now, in the heat of the moment, Margie threatened to leave for good. e_e Take what money she has and move out. e_e >_< Why?! Why is this happeing?!! I know it's probably just a threat, it just makes me very upset that this situation with MY family has to drive them thus.
     And now....and now...what I've been worried about all along 2 things. If either one happens, there will be a schism created. And I will be torn stuck in the middle (maybe I sound melodramatic now...who cares, I know the truth..) The thing is...the more this family hates or, dislikes or is resentful toward my family....the harder it will be for me. I love both families. I can't favor one over the other and I know everyone makes mistakes and does things they shouldn't do. I don't condone what my sister did and I'm not happy about it at all. But, she's my sister, my family, I already lost my Dad, I can't lose them, I can't act as if I hate them for what's happening. I can't cut them off, nor could I do the same for those whom I live with! I wouldn't do that to anyone. Great....I'm crying >_< their talking about sueing. That's one thing I've been so afraid of. I can't do this, I can't be here anymore. I can't. I need out of here. I know I'm selfish but so be it. I'm not letting everyone elses troubles destroy me. I won't. NO! My head hurts....I hate money, I hate reality, I hate it here. Yes I know I've been very blessed and all that. I just I can't do this much longer. And if something happens if this war happens I can't be in the middle of it and I won't be a casualty either.
     I'm not saying that no one has a right to be mad and angry. They do, of course they do! They got screwed! I'm angry too. They have every right to be as angry as I am sad and upset over this. My point is..I don't want to hear it, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I already know it, I know all of it and I don't need to hear over and over and over again that my sister is a *itch >_< I don't need to hear it because I know it all, I know everything and there's nothing I can do to change it or make it better!!!!!!!!! So what do I do? I don't know, I'll keep praying and praying and praying...till God gives me some kind of answer. All I know right now at this moment I'd give anything to be out of here and to be with him or Him.

-_-.....bloody anger and frustration....please let me be....-_-

2009-02-21T04:51:58Z

I don't know what the bloody 'ell is wrong with me! I can't stop being so angry, I did pretty well the last couple of days not getting so mad but somehow it happened again tonight. Something set me off. I got really tired and grouchy. My head hurts now and I hope my blood pressure is ok. It usually is but I don't know about lately. I'm tired, need a break. Need a way to relax and or let out all this frustration. I know I have the trip coming up but it doesn't feel relaxing to me right now. It sounds like stress to me. I'm just really tired. I keep saying that, I don't know why. Life's too short to be angry and I know little things shouldn't bother me so much. I have no excuses and no justifiction, just can't stand repetative irritations. I really can't, they add up and add to my impatience. I hate being that way and I don't know why I allow myself to be that way.
I really hope I get a job when I get back. I need to. And I need money, to save and to get some other things done. The thing is I need to get stuff now, like I'd love to buy some new clothes, I'm so tired of the ones I have. But I have what like 6 bucks in my wallet. wow -_- I hate that $4.99 is an investment for me e_e. Miroku's wind tunnel so so cool! lol yeah..I want one of those, imagine the havoc I'd wreak HA HA...I evil. Geeze...I'm hoping if I do get a job, that I'll be able to be in control of my own money, what I save and what I spend and what I can spend it on. I say this because right now, any money I get it's like I have to share it all the time or at least put it together. And it seems as if there's opposition and resentment if I try to use it the way I want. Correction, not seems, it is. I've seen it and I know it's true. *sigh*....I'm not trying to get all complainy again, I just want things to change, for the better. I want to be able to plan things and actually carry them out.
I feel uncomfortable. I can't seem to keep my body at an even temperature. I got so hot a few mins ago I felt like I couldn't breath and then I come into my freezing cold room and then get chilled. Geeze, I'm even getting annoyed by this show....like why sit out in the snow if your cold, go in the house! And why don't they use a certain move in battle instead of getting beat up before they choose to use the one move they know will defeat their enemy!!! lol Sango's about he only smart one there. She at least knows how to use her weapon the way it's meant! eh, I'm getting bored and wasting too much time lately but it's night time, what can I do now? At least I got the dog a bath. I'm gonna go lay down for a while.

Mindspill I

2009-02-20T09:00:06Z

I've been meaning to write something here for a few days but every time I go to do it, my mind draws a blank or the moment has passed. So right now I really don't know what I want to talk about so I'm just gonna go with what comes out of my mind and flows down to my fingertips to the keyboard.

    I love being in love! I do!! It's such a fantastic feeling, more wonderful than I could ever imagine! That sounds funny lol...but I can't help it! It's true. I love Eugene SOOOOOOO much, it's unreal and yet I know it's reality. I sit there thinking about him and smiling and laughing and wondering how. How possibly someone so utterly amazing, adorable, funny, gorgeous, intensely passionate, intelligent, patient, romantic (you say you aren't in person but, you don't know that yet hehe) , hot and....anyway the list goes on. Just the fact that I know I belong to him and he's mine....is really 0_0 like whoaness!! And that makes it unreal. And the fact that it's true, makes it real. God's wonderful, BEYOND wonderful. He's AMAZING! n_n I don't get it sometimes but it fits, it really does and everyday I get more evidence of that. n_n You really know what your doing God *high fives God* hehe. Ok honestly I could go on and on about this, I could talk about how much I want this and that and what I want to do I could and it would fill up pages and pages of journal. lol I know I'm insane but I can't help it! *straps on strait jacket*
     Hmmm what else can I say. I know I got stuff in my mind. Yeah...stuff I don't want to say again but I should just get it out. I've had some thoughts today well the past couple days but they just came to a head today. I was thinking if I really wanted to I could be very upset and very bitter and angry with my sister and my Mom about my Dad. Because they were so willing to let him go. Part of me wishes that we had them do the operation. Makes me wonder how it would have been. I could talk to him, I could hug him ( I don't know why that's so important to me) but I'd do anything if I could just hug him again. I could be very angry that my sister made the decision and changed my mom's mind and no one cared about my opinion. Because I really didn't want to, I didn't want to let him go, I wanted just a little longer. u_u Oh geeze, I'm crying again....Yeah, that sounded very bitter and selfish to not want to let him go but I can honestly say it was out of love. But I went along with it and I agreed because I really had no choice and not a lot of time, I knew the odds and reality smacked me in the face hard. I knew what it would be like, emotionally, physically and financially. I KNOW the reality and I accepted it. It was harsh and ugly and unfair, but I knew it was the right decision. I know it was. But still....I got that inkling in me...that feeling, and it's a feeling that I can't do a thing about but it stabs me with pain each time it enters my mind. It makes me sick and confused still. And I know the only reason why I don't carry out the bitter anger is because I have God and out of love and logic. I can't be foolish about this. It's over with and there's nothing me or anyone else can do about it. I just wish my mind would stop replaying things. I really don't want to see it any more, I don't want to think about that day ever again, but I know that's impossible. I know he's with me *hand on heart* always, and I talk to him, but I just miss him so badly. Everytime the phone rings I wish it was him and 4 weeks ago I was like e_e "He's calling again!" Now I'd give anything to hear his voice again. u_u.....
     Alright, I need to stop this, I really do need to take a deep breath and clear my mind. I really don't know how right now. I wish I could talk to Ugo...but hey, it's what 3:49 am over there, he deserves to sleep. lol poor guy. I'm all Ugo I need you!!! It's ok....we said our nighty's. I won't be pathetic. *deep breath* I feel numb now. Kind of an unexplainable feeling. Like...just there and unsure. I can't believe it's the weekend already. I'm not ready for the weekend. I'm not ready for Sunday. I'm really tired of making Sunday dinner. I mean in a way I don't mind, it's the least I can do, but I'm really tired. I wish I was going to church. Hmmm...well..I don't know...that's a whole other subject that I don't feel like getting into right now. Ya know it seems like everyone else around me is getting closer to God, and that's great, it's awesome. Praise God! But yet I'm feeling kind of distant. I don't know. I'm trying to read the Bible, I am just not as much as I should. I'm having a hard time comprehending since my mind tends to be elsewhere so much these days. Plus other things I'm struggling with, anger, frustration....-_- *sigh*
     Funny I started out this time all Yay! and happy...kind of ended on a dull note. That's too bad...oh well...hey it's better than the profanity orgy I had last time! o_0 Profanity orgy? HAHA! Where'd I come up with that one?! XD Dork! Well at least I made myself laugh there. So now I gotta smile n_n. Yeah, I'll leave it at that.

Yes I came to vent....again

2009-01-20T01:33:13Z

I'm tired, once again of tension, of anger, or blaming. I'm really sick of it!! I don't think I should have to take the blame for everything. So my family did something to make you mad because they changed plans. Automatically it becomes my fault that you have to take my dad home. The fact that you say you don't have much gas or that it's a waste of your time and out of your way, that my dad says my sister is too tired to come get him (which he said, not her) ALL of this becomes my fault. Just because I didn't have time to tell him no and then you agreed to take him but then when I was supposed to call to find out if anyone was home because he didn't have a key then you freaked out and got mad! o_0 I'm confused. It was ok with you and then you got mad and said no....um...something doesn't add up there. And then you start blaming ME for all of it. Well this time I refused. I refused to take the blame. I did NOTHING wrong. I'm sick of having to take the blame for what my family does!!! It wasn't even that big of a deal! Just like the other day. It was a BIG deal about 1 dollar. I was wrong then too. I always do everything wrong somehow. Well you know what?! NO!....NO! I do what I feel is right and it's not always my fault. If it is my fault I will take the blame but I'm through taking the blame when it's someone else's fault! >_< *pulls hair*
I really just feel very -_-. I wish I could just hide away and be alone. People are irritating me A LOT. I'm trying not to be but I just can't stand constant talking after a while. I really get's on my nerves and puts me on edge. Maybe that sounds cruel but I can't help it. I had a bad headache when I woke up, it went away and now after all this, it's coming back. It seems to me...that no one likes it when I vent, when I am upset or comment on something. BUT when it's other people's turn to go at it, I have to listen and theirs is ALWAYS justified. Mine, no I'm just being a whiny *itch. That was made pretty evident today. I don't care how much people try to deny it but I can read their body language and it was written all over her face, which told me "Shut up, your annoying, etc." *sigh* I know in the past I've been paranoid and think everyone hates me and such but I'm over that pretty much. I see the honest truth the way people act, tone of voice, body language and it's very obvious to me when someone is upset or angry with me. I don't think I'm a person who provokes anger, I try to keep things peaceful because I LOATH tension! I really do. It makes me feel sick. I'm tired. I wish I could go to sleep. Or just leave. *shrugs* I don't know. I'm just tired of everything. I need to get out of the house. I need a job I want a job, I need to save money and I need money to get things that I really need. I hate having to sneak around to get and put in job apps. It's really stupid. I feel like I have all these secrets because I'm trying to spare someone's feelings. Forgive me but I deserve to have some kind of life. I deserve to be a bit happy. I deserve to leave the house and come back 8 hours later, to have my own money in my own bank account and to not feel guilty or bad about it. It's not my fault that others don't want to be happy and that they don't want to go out and try to make their life better. Maybe it is? Maybe I spent so much time being behind and not trying myself that I encouraged others to be like that instead of being a positive example and encouraging others to better themselves. Maybe I don't know. But my selfishness says no don't take the blame for that. I really don't know I'm just tired. I'm trying to pray for others and encourage them but I need to work on myself as well and if that's a crime then I'm guilty as charged.

Irony vs. Confusion followed by a big o_0

2009-01-10T21:38:09Z

Tis I again. I know, usually I come here to rant but today I'm not sure what I'm here for. Last night I was going to come home and rant but I didn't come here, instead when to my Ugo. (poor guy) I love you!!! Anyway I feel tired today, extra tired. Don't know why, well actually I do. But I'm not sure I want to get into that right now. I REALLY need a job. Here's where the irony vs. confusion goes. I hate people, so how will I work with/for them? And yet throughout this past year, I love people too! That leaves me kind of o_0. Like people make me SO bloody mad and annoyed. But at the same time I love making connections with them, and actually talking to them. That's weird. A big thing for me to because this is the first time in my life (as of this year) that I've felt that way. I avoided people at all costs before. Now I smile at them and start conversations well...maybe not that much but once in a great while...but I talk to them more, in public. Like last night at Borders...went to get my drink and was commenting to the girl there how much I love Borders, she agreed and the conversation went from there and I discovered that she really "got" what I mean about the new book smell! lol which I love! I don't know, most people would walk away from that without even a second thought like...*shrugs* so I talked to someone...eh. But for me it's like O_O I talked to someone and they liked me and resonded back to me!! O_O XD Yay! lol...crazy I know! But it's like I'm being born again....not in the Christian sense but becoming a new person and learning and growing. This is something that should have happened a long time ago but I've always been late on things like that.
I feel the need to write another list. A list of what needs to get done. But It seems like everytime I make one I never follow it. I used to, just can't seem to lately. What's up with that, I have no idea. All I know is Monday is motivation day! I hope! Please God don't let anyone have me doing other stuff. I need that time for ME to go out and look for work! Please! >_< I just remembered!!! >_< GRRR! I'm gonna be gone that day!!! Geeze...it's Melissa's B-day and we're heading to Leavanworth (possibly) will be gone for a couple days. *sigh* It's not that I don't want to go, it's just...I REALLY need to get with it!!! And Monday was THE right day!! >_< arrrrgh! I haven't even gone shopping for Melissa! O_O geeze! I gotta go out today *sigh*....life is too complicated. *crawls into Jesus's lap* I stay here with you Lord ok!? Well onto other subjects (geeze I'm neurotic!) I started drawing again after a long hiatus from KJ. Not drawing KJ but something else. I do that once in a while...draw something random just to see if I still have it. It scares me to think I could let my creativity die.

godswallflower @ 2008-12-29T18:39:00

2008-12-30T02:56:02Z

I AM THE ANGRY LIONESS...
(Except it'd me more like she'd have a huge hunk of bloody meat in her mouth)

As usual I'm here to list my grievances. The past couple days have been very grrr for me. My anger is taking over me and becoming a horrible menace >_< I hate this, I do. I don't like myself when I'm like that. u_u....but contradictory to that I feel justified in my anger and in a way enjoy it. What?! o_0 I make no sense I know. All I do lately is complain, feel ignored and annoyed by people and their demanding ways.

Canceled, annoyed, frustrated

2008-12-17T17:08:37Z

Ok....so we planned go to Leavanworth today. I was excited about it, because I was happy to actually that we were gonna get out of this town!! I'm sick of Lacey! I'm tired of all the stores we have here, there's nothing new, it's all the same. u_u boring. Like...why can't we go som where anyway, somewhere else?! *puppy dog eyes* ehhhh doesn't matter! Certain people got their way >_< It's like Oh well! and their secretly smiling and rubbing their hands together. GRRRRR! It's snowing here now, which yes I'm happy about but people around here freak out and think OH IT'S SNOWING WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING NOW!! >_< Well I'm gonna find SOMETHING to do.

"I wish a one horse open sleigh would come carry me away...."

2008-12-01T09:24:22Z

Yeah, you guessed it, I've been watching Inuyasha again! lol I missed it. So I started out with the first episodes. I still have yet to see all of them I forget where I stopped. But they don't play them on tv anymore and there's no where really to watch them online u_u...lame. At least I found out the library has the movies Yay! Sesshomaru rocks!

     Anyway, I've been feeling weird, not sick weird, more like -_- mind weird. Like it's December 1st right? So usually I'm all like Yay!! Christmas!! *runs and gets out all the decorations* but this time I just don't feel it yet. Came way to fast, the stores over commercialized it way too much and way too early. I want the feeling I do, just I can't stop thinking about time and how fast it's going December seemed to last forever but now it seems like it will be gone in a blink of an eye. And I hate when Christmas is over, I really do, I get this really -_- feeling, kinda sad and all. Pathetic I know, just how I am. So for now this is how I feel, in the words of the great Blues Traveler Christmas Song:

Comes the time for Christmas
And I really have to ask
If this is feeling merry
How much longer must it last
I wish a one horse open sleigh
Would come carry me away
But I've been waiting here all day
And one just hasn't come my way
Now excuse me if I'm not being reverent
But I was hoping for a miracle to hold me, wash me
Save me from my righteous doubt as I watch helpless
And everybody sings
If it's Chanukah or Kwanza
Solstice, harvest or December twenty-fifth
Peace on earth to everyone
And abundance to everyone you're with
Laha da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Laha da da da da
Laha da da da da
Comes the time for Christmas
And as you raise your Yuletide flask
There's like this feeling that you carry
As if from every Christmas past
It's as if each year it grows
It's like you feel it in your toes
And on and on your carol goes
Harvesting love among your woes
I want to buy into the benevolent
And I was hoping for a miracle to hold me, wash me
Make me know what it's about
As the longing in me makes me want to sing
Noel or Navidad
Season celebration or just the end of the year
Christmas can mean anything
And I mean to keep its hope forever near
Laha da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da da da
Laha da da da da
Laha da da da da
As if a cold and frozen soul is warm to love
By loves own hand
So goes the prayer if for a day peace on earth
And good will to man
At twenty below the winter storm it billows
But the fire is so warm inside
And the children while nestled in their pillows
Dream of St. Nicholas's ride
And how the next day they'll get up and they will play
In the still falling Christmas snow
And together we'll celebrate forever
In defiance of the winds that blow
My god in heaven now I feel like I'm seven
And spirit calls to me as well
As if Christmas had made the winter warmer
Made a paradise from what was hell
As if a cold and frozen soul is warm to love
By loves own hand
So goes the prayer if for a day peace on earth
And good will to man.......
I wish a one horse open sleigh would come carry me away
And I'll keep waiting through next May
Until Christmas comes my way

   There's only one thing wrong....this guy in the song...he started getting happier......BECAUSE HE GOT SNOW!!!!! I don't get snow!! And especially not on Christmas!! >_< grrr! No wonder why he got all happy!! bad mean Blues Traveler man!! (John Popper rocks!) *crosses arms* ....*sigh* I really need to just get with it. I have a few things bothering me, getting discouraged about working out and all that goes along with that. I'm trying, really I am...but *shakes head* I just feel like I'm stuck and not gonna see anymore success. I know, I know, I can't think like that. I'm just kinda -_- about that right now. In a way it spurs me on though but it seems like everytime I get encouraged...I get discouraged >_< what is with that?! Is it just the old me trying to beat myself up? Or is it satan whispering lies in my ear again. Also really frustrated about not finding a job. No one even wants to give me an interview. It's really hard when you barely have any experience. I'm gonna keep trying but I'm running out of places to go. The other thing bothering me is I really miss my animals, I had 2 cats and a dog who left me around this time of year. Makes me very u_u. I love them so much, I remember the good times with them, but I'd give anything to hold them one more time. Ok, I'm gonna stop before I cry or this gets to depressing....lol
    Tomorrow we're gonna go to Yelm, do a little Christmas shopping at one of our favorite places to go at Christmas time. Maybe that will cheer me up and get me in a better mood. Maybe I'll come home and do a little decorating. I want to be happy, I really do. Please Lord give me a dose of your joy, this is your time please help me to enjoy it.

Thinking is dangerously mundane

2008-11-21T21:32:16Z

     Ok, I've had a lot on my mind and no one to tell it to. Well that's not entirely true, I tell it to Jesus and I know He's listening which makes me smile. But sometimes it'd be nice to have another person here who would actually listen and give me feedback, even if I don't like it. I don't know, I guess I'm getting that "ignored" feeling again. And no I didn't really come here to whine. I know that God made me a good listener for a reason, I understand and accept that I do! But once in a while I'd like to be able to do the talking, and have someone listen to me! But when I do get the floor...I can tell the listening is half-hearted. No one really listens they just pretend to and I wonder if they are really comprehending anything or remembering anything I'm saying. I don't talk to annoy people, I don't talk to hear myself or to waste my breath. I know I spout a lot of insane nonsense at times but mostly when I have something to say it's something that's important to me! *sigh* Maybe it's only important to me....maybe that's just it, maybe, no one cares because I'm boring. That's just the thing, if I really made it known and said "SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK!!" you know what would happen....people would stare at me in shock...and then if they did give me the floor I'd be staring back at them blankly....thinking...Oh great now I don't know what to say, because in fact, I am boring. Yeah I know I'm being mean to myself. But I can't help but think this is true. Maybe I don't have enough "drama" in my life to hold people's interest. Well in a way I'm very thankful I don't. I have enough stress as it is.
     What else is on my mind? I wanted to talk about all of this to Eugene but he's not here. I miss him, seems like the morning/early afternoon is the best time I can talk with him because I'm alone. Well anyway, it's not so bad maybe he's doing something important, most likely and I'm glad for him that he's away from the computer getting things done. That's good for him n_n. I should be away from it, I haven't even gotten dressed today, still in teddy bear pj's lol. I will soon. Ok...another thing that's bothering me is that people tell me too much like wayyy too much. And in some respects I don't mind, I love them and I'm willing to listen but at the same time it's like...please spare me the details. Somethings I don't need to know....maybe I'm just a prude >_< maybe not, I just think some things need to be kept private. Um...well I don't know if I should get into the details of that but I just don't know how to react to something like that or what to say to a person when they tell me such intimate details of their life. *sigh* Ok what else...might as well get it all out of my head....mom, worried about her eyes, Lord PLEASE make her go to the eye doctor soon please!!! I don't want her to lose sight in her other eye! u_u. Thank you Lord for all your answered prayers and for speaking to me, I love you!! Yeah...my mom, It's always a jump back and fourth with us, getting along and not. I love her, I really do, but she is so >_< a lot of the time that it makes it really hard to want to be around her. And that worries me because I want to be around her, I want to be able to to do things with her and for her but not hurt others to do that and also not get taken advantage of myself. That sounds mean and complicated I know...but it is a complicated situation, it always has been ever since I decided to be detached from her. That sounds weird too....well detached from the whole family really. I guess what I mean by that is I'm not there at their every beck and call anymore, not with them 24-7 and I know they still carry resentment that I was able to pull away from that. But to be honest...a bit of the same happens over here too. Not so bad but at times. People want my constant attention, they want me to do things, help them, be with them. That's all good and fine, and I do it because love them and I love to help but hey, sometimes I need a break! Or just a hour alone is nice. But resent follows me wherever I try to tell the truth, wherever I act for my own well being. I hate to be mean or seem cruel (because this is never my intention to hurt anyone) but one day people are going to have to realize, I'm not gonna be around forever. Reliable Kimmy may just be unavailable at times, and people are going to have to accept that. >_< I sound so mean saying that....but I can't help it, it's the truth. Wow...I went of on tangent there...hmm...ok...I should talk about something good.
     Good, let's see.....I'm doing well coloring Kj and about 6 more pages I'll be done Yay!! I wish I had more good stuff to say...I am so boring. All I can think of is negative things *sigh* I didn't get a job at Target, just got a notice about that today. u_u I want a job so bad, I need one. In fact this is the first time I've really taken a lot of action to get one. And so far 3 jobs are unavailable to me. I have a lot of work to do this week (cleaning) 3 days in a row, that'll whipe me out. I haven't been feeling well with my head and eyes and such so I really need to rest and get strength for this busy week coming up. Who knows what's happening for Thanksgiving, no one ever wants to do anything. I guess I'm traditional when it comes to holidays, especially Thankgiving and Christmas. It gives me something to look forward to, to put my energy into and to make me smile. I don't know what's happening, we'll see. *sigh* I really gotta get up and get dressed and do something functional today. I'm really losing motivation. My mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time. I really want to get KJ done but there's so many other things I should be doing. Laundry, cleaning house, yard work. blechhhhh :P lol I don't want to do anything! zzzzzzz how about go back to sleepy....purple blanky heaven sounds wonderful to me n_n. Naw...got too much worries for that, people will think I'm lazy, can't have that happening. Ok...I'm getting up I'm getting dressed and I'm gonna do something.....God be my strength!!!

o_0

2008-11-16T03:08:20Z

Literally, I'm confused. So much that that first sentace is kind of backwards. OH well, who cares. It doesn't help that I woke up with a headache feeling like someone kicked me in the head 10 times. Ugh! I don't know why I'm getting so many headaches lately. Anyway I really hope Eugene made it through the night ok. I prayed a lot. I'm confused about life, confused about religioin, about the being saved and what it holds. That sounds bad, I know. I'm not worried about myself too much, I know I'm saved, but you never know what will happen in the future, (that's a grim statement o_0) I'm worried about others as well. Ok so the once saved, always saved thing is good, and very nice to know that your covered. But at the same time I keep wondering, if there's something there, some line that you can cross where you can fall out of it. Like, for example, your a Christian, a good, happy, God fearing Christian who is on fire for Jesus, you'd do anything for Him and serve Him with all your heart, yada yada....then one day something happens, something terrible (who knows what, it could be a number of things) and you lose your faith, you walk away from Him. Life just get's worse and you aren't living the Christian life anymore, you are stuck in the world and following satan's lies and schemes. You end up killing someone, you cover it up, get away with it and keep on living this destructive life. Now, I know Jesus is still there, you asked Him into your heart a He said He'd stay there forever and never forsake you BUT isn't something wrong here? Aren't you not going to go to heaven for the killing? Are you still in God's graces? I know He's willing to take you back anytime, but what if you were saved, walked away and never came back? Do you have hell waiting for you? >_< this confuses me SO very much. Maybe I'll never know, maybe I'll never get it.
Another thing that's bothering me is this. Christians are NOT perfect by ANY means, I know this. But it seems to me, when you ask Jesus into your life, accept Him as your Savior and hand your life over to Him that there would be a change. I'm not saying it will be a dramatic overnight change. What I'm saying is you are a new creation and you have a desire to please God and to do away with the old and put on the new. So why is it that so many people blatantly continue practicing things that they know God wouldn't approve of. Things that God doesn't want you to be involved in. I just don't get it. Wait, now I'm not trying to be holier than thou or judgemental here, that's not it at all. I'm just saying that when you get saved, usually there is some kind of big change in the way you think, act, or any other number of things. Am I wrong? Maybe it was just me and a few other people I've heard about, who knows. Listen, I KNOW we are human, I KNOW we are NOT perfect by ANY means, we NEVER will be, but aren't we supposed to strive to be our best for Christ? I admit this is very very hard! We mess up, I mess up all the time, but my heart, wants to please Jesus. It really does and God knows my heart, He know's it's desire for Him. So even when I mess up, He knows that was the sin in me messing up and not my heart because my heart is good because it's a heart living for Him. And so I repent and He renews me, refines me and we start again. This is the process we go through as Christians, and yes it is a struggle and it's not the perfect life, it's a human life but it's one that has a savior to lean on in times of trouble, and someone to Praise and give all your devotion to. Now I'm getting confused again, because I'm wondering if I'm answering some of my own questions. Hmmm...I get it, I do, in a way, once saved, always saved yes....BUT what I don't get is continueing to live a life that the Bible (God's Holy Word!) says no to, and yet saying I love Jesus, He's my Lord, I'm a Christian but.....whatever the situation might be. I get if your involved in something and your strugglilng and you want to stop or get out of it and you can't and Jesus is there to help you, I get that. What I don't get is you saying, this is how I am and I'm not changeing (not even for Jesus?) someone not even trying to stop and yet saying they live for Christ. I just....*sigh* I just don't get that, I don't buy that.
*sigh* Anyway hmm...ok let me go to the Bible, Eugene gave me this scripture to look up last night: John 6:38-40
"For I have come down from Heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him to sent me. and this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me,but raise them up at the last day. For my father's will is that everyone who looks to the son
and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day"
Now according to this, and it makes sense, Jesus is saying, who EVER believes in Him will be saved. Is it really that simple? It blows me away, it really does. I get it, I do but still...hmm...still wondering about the change that you want to make when you come to Jesus. Maybe I'm thinking people are the same, maybe I forget people are different. Well there's a lot on my mind and my head still hurts, I plan to write some more later but distractions are about and I need to get out of my jammies and get going. Laterness