I just really need to get some stuff out. *sigh* I feel like ripping heads off.  Anything that could get to me, has gotten to me tonight. I'll go in reverse. I'm gonna have to give up Lolita, seriously this time. I can't stand people! -_- I shouldn't say that but people around here are really trying on my patience, hitting all my nerves and making me so angry I feel it, physically. *deep breath* I was already shaky from my workout, not sure why...happens sometimes. The thing is, the two cat's don't get along, none of our cats have really got along, they just tolerate each other. They think Belle is a precious that she does NO wrong. But she's not, that cat starts fights with other cats outside, I've witnessed it and even have a video of it, lol...seriously I do.  She prances around like she's a princess and they treat her like one too, they kick Velvet out of the room because they want the cat in there with them...and say it's "her" room. -_- So I know their gonna fight it and say...no no you don't have to get rid of her yada yada....but yes I do. I started letting her out because everyone else wanted to. I would have tried to keep her as an inside cat. Now Melissa's dad said, "She's never going outside again and is to be locked in the garage" What the hell?! Lock the cat in the garage, might as well get rid of it then. -_- They already won't let her eat anywhere else but a window sill. So, I'm gonna ask my sister to take her until I can get someone to take her. I hope that works out. *sigh*
    
      Ok, what else, earlier today we were out, were only going to be out a short while to look for a rug for my room and hit the dollar store, no big deal but it turned into a family event where we were out for hours and going around everywhere wasting time. I'm really trying to down size things in my room, give it more space, get rid of some things. So I was looking for a dresser on Craig's list, no success with that yet. So Melissa's mom needs to get rid of her's, she's got 2, but she wants a new one. So we went looking for dressers too. Norwin heard I wanted to a new dresser, a new rug, said what's wrong with what I had. Margie and Melissa told him I needed a rug that looked better, matched, and what not. That doesn't matter...the point is when we looked at dressers, he talked about getting me one at a couple stores. Margie threw a fit, she acted like a baby, sorry to say it but she did all "Why does Kim get everything!!? I want a dresser!" So I took off for a while, walked around. I'm just so tired of adults being so immature. -_- Kids are different, they are kids, their growing up and learning. Learning by their mistakes and learning to mature, they are supposed to act out, their kids. But adults, 60 something year old adults. -_- I mean, we all have our anger, our rants, we're human, I know I do. It's just, I'm sick of the jealousy and childishness of people. I don't know...I'm getting tired and don't feel well right now. I'm worried about Sasha too...u.u. I know God's got her but, what if...I don't know, don't really want to finish that sentence. The harder I try to feel better the more negativity and anger seeps into me. I'm gonna go...really tired..feel weird. Night for now

I'm attempting to write this mobiley. I'm very stressed right now. I try to avoid it as much as possible but currently of it's IMPOSSIBLE! I was gonna go out for a walk but that didn't work out. I just want to go away to the furthest place I can think of. Just leave this place of animosity and enter a land where hakuna matata is the mantra. I hate people so much that's evil of me

Things.....things haven't been so good lately. And right now...I don't know if it's of my own making or other influences. I don't really know, not sure if I care, I mean, I do...I'm just confused. I've been trying to "get back to good" for a while now, and every time I think I'm there, I fall backwards. I pray, I do...correction, I wasn't praying much for myself. But I'm trying to now >_< NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dammit!!!  Every time I sit down to do what I want or to get some peace of mind by writing SOMEONE or SOMETHING get's to me causing me a _____load of anger. u.u I hate this...I'm swearing too much. Even implied swearing is bad enough. It's just that if I don't do something...if I don't have some kind of release in pressure, I'm gonna explode, or do something that I'll regret. And I can't do that, I won't do that...I feel like I'm going crazy, and not the good kind of crazy either. I'm so upset right now...I need to take a deep breath and calm down. I'm just so scared of myself. I'm scared of me, what's in my head, what I want to do, how angry I get, my head hurts. And the thing is, I'm hiding it, hiding it all. NO one, around here knows how I'm feeling and I can't tell them for various reasons. No one would understand and if I told them all that was within me, I'd be going to the psych ward. And no I'm not kidding. I've been seeing horrible things in my mind, absolutely horrible things. Things I'd never do to myself or others. I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm asking God to help me, to protect me from myself. I'm so scared, I'm scared of myself. Last night, I felt better for a while. I did, I prayed, I laid it out before God, I told Him the truth, I admitted things to Him...and I know, I know....it's not a magic bullet. Prayer is awesome, God is awesome! and Almighty and He can do ANYTHING! but I know praying is supposed to make you feel better and lift a weight from your shoulders, but it's not gonna be an instant fix, God takes time, His own time to work on us. I accept that. It's just every time I feel better, I feel worse.

I feel like blowing the house down like the big bad wolf, I know that sounds lame. I don't care. I'm just frustrated. I don't like people right now. When do I like them? Well, I don't hate them all the time. It's just...people ask questions that they have the obvious answers to, or that common sense or logic could answer, if they'd just take the time to think. It's so >_< And no one will leave me the !@#$ alone!! I'm sick or writing negative, angry things in this journal why can't they be good things? u_u I'm tired, I wish I could drive

I'm so irritated! Don't know how many journal entries I've started out with that, probably tons. I just can't help it. I haven't been sleeping well, so I admit that probably contributes to my irritations and impatience. I feel so tired lately. I have energy and I work out, run, try to take care of myself but still, I just can't seem to get the right amount of sleep to feel well rested.  

     Thing is, I hate obligations. And hating obligations or even thinking of things as obligations makes me feel cruel. Right now I don't care because if I do, that takes justification away from my anger. And I do believe it's justified, maybe shouldn't get so mad about little things but right now that's just how I am. Like...ok...I'm mean. I don't mind sharing clothes but I'd appreciate some respect about it. Like...when someone wants to borrow your shirt, the shirt that you had planned on wearing today. And you A) either be nice and give it to them or B) be honest and say, "I was gonna wear that today" OR pushover answer C.) Be honest and say "I was gonna wear that today" and then end up giving in anyway -_-. Now... the kind person would say "Oh, that's fine, you go ahead and wear that, is there something else I can borrow?"...But no...instead they say "Fine.....then says I don't have any clean clothes so I need something"

IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DON'T DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY AND LEAVE IT LYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR FOR DAYS!!!!

-_- Seriously! I'm not trying to be mean, really, it's just rediculous...and then I get my other shirt back thrown on my bed with a "Here this one's still clean" when I know that OBVIOUSLY it isn't...*throws in in laudry basket and grumbles* I'm lucky to get anything back, half of my stuff disappears or get's kept. I don't like to see my clothes on the floor of someone elses room being stepped on. Call me picky but I like to keep my clothes nice. So if I borrow something from someone, I take care of it and wash it after I wear it. Is it too much to ask for the same respect?! Apparently so.

So..that'd be my first gripe. Well that and the fact that I had to get up to go somewhere I care nothing about. Do I want to go to a hardware liqudator wharehouse?! OH CAN I?! NOTHING WOULD BRING ME MORE JOY! You know how much I can't get enough of hardware stores!! *jumps up and down* I CALL SHOTGUN!.....and the sarcasmn oozes from me.
Thing is...there are places people need to go, and it's NOT necessary for me to be there, honestly, my presence is not vital there. But if I say No, or why, or I really don't want to or would rather stay home....I get crap for it. And yeah, I can take the crap, and once in a while I do. But I really hate dealing with it because it goes on longer than necessary and I'd rather save myself the grief by just going.

     On to the third. Water. I LOVE water but forgive me if I'm selfish, but I hate sharing it! I mean, If someone really needs it or it's all we have, no problem. But when I fill up my bottle and have it with me, it's mine. I can't help it that other people don't have the intelligence to think, that maybe they'll get thirsty and to bring their own. -_- So guess what!? Mine becomes the community watering hole, yep. Free for all on Kim's water.

I am rather frustrated today. Don't feel good and so everything else seems generally annoying. I hate being a stereotype and conforming, I don't want to be like that...but that's beyond my control right now. I have so many things to do, need to be serious about eating right and working out but there's SO many things against me right now. One being how hot it's been, I've just had no energy some days. I try to at least take a walk or do some sort of excercise, but it's been so hard. And everyone has me going everywhere, taking my time away, sucking it up through a straw. Ugh! that's how I feel...ugh...-_-. I just want to stay in bed. Can't do that, can't do any of that now. Seriously my "freedom" is gone. Not totally just the little things in life that I consider bigger than most people do. Sleeping in a bit once in a while and not feeling like I'm lazy or it's a crime,....>_< got inturrpted lost my train of thought! GRRRRRR! *SLAMS FIST DOWN*

This has been an interesting week. Busy, tireing, lazy at times. Thursday was aweful and anything that could have happened wrong, happened that day. I won't go into the details now, just it was bad. Although I'm feeling better, I think I'm holding my frustrations deep inside me still. I had a really annoying dream last night...well this morning. I was back in high school, couldn't get to class, was late, no one would let me down the hallway. When I got to class I put my bag down in my usual seat and this girl comes and sits there and throws my backpack aside. I have no idea where it went to and while I was looking for it, I was supposed to be starting a test  and waisted precious time and so I finally sat down to do that and I froze. I kept staring at the directions and they made no sense to me, then kept reading quesiton 1 over and over again and I just couldn't get through it. I didn't know anything!! I had to guess and then I got to this one that was weird and you had to look at these pictures and had to do something with matching the pictures to phrases. But they had NOTHING to do with the pictures. It made no logical sense what so ever!! I was so confused I wrote on the test "This makes absolutely no sense" and so I was -_- and u_u and turned it in knowing I was gonna get an F! I woke up really angry and upset by it and yet Praising God that it  wasn't real. *sigh* 
     Cut to real life, last night I was so frustrated with this project for my Dad's day. OH my goodness...my dad....It just popped in my mind...I had a dream about him too o.o I forgot. We went to church and for some reason he was there, he was wearing a suit and he looked really nice and there was bearly anywhere to sit and then I saw him and we sat there by him. He smiled at me and touched my hand and it was so warm...his presence next to me was so warm, I could feel his love. I was amazed and so happy that he was there! And I turned to Melissa and said, "You see him right? He's really there right?" And she smiled and said yes. I was like 0_0 I'm not crazy. But it didn't seem like a big deal to anyone that he was alive and well there next to me, like he was always there. But to me I was like WHOA! 0_0...hmm *closes eyes*....how I loved that feeling of him next to me, the warmth, the love, I so want it back.  Well...so much for reality. The project finally turned out, just not as expected. And it's all done finally! Yay!!!! I never want to see it again!!! lol I can't wait for this day to be over with, this celebration of life thing. I just want it done. I'm so not looking forward to it. I'm not sure how I'll be that day, happy, sad, angry, or too busy to think. Who knows. All I know is I want it over and done with. I need it over. Should have been done a long time ago like 5 months ago!!! This is too late to have a "memorial" way too late in my opinion. I needed something sooner. But well, nothing works out the way I want, should be used to that by now, don't know why I'm not. Well I should go get in the shower. I got some stuff to talk to God about. It's Father's day....u_u....I should be giving him something now, some card or cute little thing to make him laugh and smile, I should be hugging him......I just talked to him now....told him Happy Father's day and how much I love him, and appriciate all he did for me, for us. Great...now I'm crying again >_< ok...gonna go.

I'm confused, and I don't know what's going on lately with people. It seems like there's this wave of apathy washing over everyone. And some how I'm on the shore, watching the as the tide goes further out. It seems as though, there's nothing I can do for anyone. I'm wondering if they even want me to care anymore. I really don't know what to do, I'll pray, although I don't feel like that's enough...but for now I'll just stand go turn the lighthouse on and wait.

Why does everyone act like my presence keeps everything together? Why?! I don't know what I did but somehow my back started hurting a lot on the left side. So someone asked me to help them start the lawn mower and I ask if someone else can do it...no, they can't. 2 people don't know how e_e and one person won't help so that leaves it up to me. And she says, in a helpeless voice...."....I don't know what were gonna do then, I guess it just won't get done..." -_-....and before that:
   I'm going to stay at my Mom's overnight, they want to know when I'll be back, I said tomorrow afternoon. Again in a helpless voice, "are you sure they'll let you come home? I guess I can't stop you if you want to stay over another night and come home Sunday" >_< You don't own me!!! No one owns me! But God! *sigh* I'm sick of people pouting and being upset because I am "unavailable" for something. People are gonna have to realize that I'm not gonna be around forever. I mean, I'm not saying I'm this extra special person it's just...people act like I'm the glue that holds things together. Well...I better go take care of that lawn mower....

Eh....I'm in a complainy mood. I can't help it, I can't stand people's jerky attitudes! I want out of this place. I want a job, I want a reason, an excuse to get up in the morning and to be out of here. I want to be able to say, "I can't do it because I have to work." I'm tired of people having attitudes just because we (Melissa and I) have something to do, somewhere to go. They want us out of the house, they don't want us being home all day, so we leave and go places and they don't like it, they want us home doing their slave work. >_< I know, I know, I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like sometimes, when it get's demanding. Like their all DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS TOMORROW BECAUSE YOUR GONNA GET UP AND MOW THE LAWN. -_- Sorry...it's too late I HAD plans! I don't have to cancel them just to mow the lawn, why can't I do both? Mow the lawn then go do what I need to do?! Their just SO scared we aren't gonna make it home in time to make their dinner. e_e.....Like...if we come home a little late or just in time we basically go strait to the kitchen and start cooking so...why complain?! Why!? Your getting you yamn dinner!!! (yeah I know funny my substitute swear words) I mean bloody 'ell!!! What would they do if I had a job? If I had a job would they expect me to not go so I can do something here for them? Who knows.
     See....the thing is, this is why I left home, left my parents. Because things got too much, I was tired of the demands put on me and that I felt like all I was doing was what everyone asked of me ALL the time and when I wanted to do something for myself, people would get mad at me. Hence the rebellion, hence the fights, hence me not caring anymore which lead to me leaving. *sigh* Now...it's kinda getting the same way. Not totally but on the verge, and maybe I don't have a right to be, but I'm tired of it. There's stuff I want, simple things. And I don't tell anyone or say them outloud because for one, I know their impossible right now and for the other because well, no one would care. So I'll say them now because...this is my journal, I can say what I want. :P

***Peace and quiet, serenity, sanctuary
***To be somewhat carefree, not worrying about everything and everyone (this one's probably impossible)
***To have enough money to buy the simplest things and to not have to wait weeks before I can afford something like...let's see, shoes, an apple, vitamins (sad I know)
***To go out and so what I want without anyone questioning why or where or when am I gonna be back
***To make dinner and eat when I'm hungry, not at 4 or 5 in the afternoon, not at noon on Sundays, when I want, if I'm not hungry, I'll wait...in otherwords be on my own eating schedule
***To feel like I have a sense of freedom

Those are just a few simple things I want and need. I'm just tired. And I know, I always say that but, it's true, I am. I really don't know. I don't know what to do, I want a job and yet I'm not making much of an effort and I use things as excuses why I'm not doing that. In one way yeah I could do more but in another way, everytime I set my mind to do it, something comes up and I have to leave to go do something for someone else. Like today I was going to go walk to put my application in at Hallmark and Value Village, I really thought about it but then we had to go do something for Angie and that usually takes forever. I need to get up earlier to get things done. It's just so hard around here. Because other people get up at like anytime between 7am and 10 am so if I get up around those times, I don't get the shower or someone will ask me to do something that I will feel obligated to do. It's like I have to find a way to sneak or plan what I want to do in a way where no one will know so they can't catch me to ask me to do something for them. Does that make sense? Not really but it does to me and it makes me mad. It shouldn't be that way. And so, I get discouraged and then I get so tired, I don't understand why I can't get up in the morning. I set my alarm and I get up and shut it off and crawl back in bed. I just can't bear the thought of getting up. I love sleeping, I can't help it. And it's so cold in this house still that I want to stay warm in bed. Like today, I tried to get up at 9:30 but I couldn't, I was just SO tired, so I decided to go for 10, couldn't do that either....got up about 11:15. I'm dissapointed in myself. WHY CAN'T I GET UP!!?? What the bloody 'ell is wrong with me?! *shakes head* I don't know....I really don't. I wish I had the cell phone. Monkey would've called me to wake me up this morning but I didn't have the phone. (I would have LOVED that)
      -_- That's another thing I couldn't get the phone back because Melissa refused to take me to my mom's to get it and to get the check for her dad. She won't do anything unless it's on her terms. I could take the bus but then there's that thing again, me being lazy, not getting up, lack of money, people wanting to know why and where and when I'm going to be back and what not. I'm just, I'm getting really frustrated. With myself and everyone else. I just feel really Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr right now. u_u. It's like, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, I'm concentrating on trying to be healthier. Working out and such. And that's going great, I feel myself getting stronger and building endurance, I'm seeing little results. But I still feel like I'm not doing enough there. Like I could kick it up and do more. But even what I'm doing at times I have to really push myself to do it, cause some days I just don't want to. So far I've pushed myself and I've stuck with it.  It's just really strange how when I have success with it, I start to get discouraged. I really don't know why I do that. It makes me angry. Ok well, I don't have much time and I gotta go soon so I'm gonna go see what's left of the sunshine and try to get in a small walk.

*Deep Breath* Please.....Tell me why, it is SO hard to deal with anger. Right now it's not too bad, I'm dealing, I'm doing my best to give it to God. I'm trying so very hard. I just don't know what to do. If I don't get angry, it comes out in tears or sadness. >_< I've been trying to pray and talk to God a lot and hand it to Him.  I've been kind of sensitive lately, physically and emotionally. Like people talking and noise is really getting to me. It's like extra loud and irritating!...I wanted to say more but I didn't have time and had to go cook. Now I have to leave...AGAIN! I just want to stay home alone. u_u

I'm tired of worrying all the time. I really am. It's natural for me but I don't like it. It's not something I enjoy doing. Things are messed up right now. Like, really messed up. Crap >_<!!!! I have to leave. I want to be away from all this stress and tension. I know that's a selfish request but I'm tired of it. I can't handle the melodrama any more. I want some sense of simplicity. Too much to ask? Maybe. I don't feel good again. Why does the emotional have affect the physical so much. -_- The bomb's been dropped. My sister gave Norwin a letter, apologizing and and explaining her bankruptcy and that she can't pay for the loan he co-signed for. So now their freaking out, fighting, blowing things out of proportion...and I sit here and wait....I prayed a lot...but I'm waiting, waiting for them to come after me for this. To vent and yell at me. I know it's not my fault, it's not my fault and it's not my responsibility! I know I know, it's MY sister who messed up. But that shouldn't be on my head u_u. If I had the money, I'd just take it all and pay it off so no one would have to worry. I'd take care of it all, for everyone. 
     Right now I have no idea what to do. I got up at 11 to take my vitamin suppliment and I have to wait 30 mins before I can eat. So I was gonna eat but then my mom came over with the note....and I got scared after she left. I'm hiding in my room like a wimp, so afraid to face them. I don't know what they'll do, what they'll say to me. So...I screwed up with my vitamin and I'm not eating cause I don't want to go in the kitchen. >_< geeze!!!!!! The melodrama! This situation made them fight and now, in the heat of the moment, Margie threatened to leave for good. e_e Take what money  she has and move out. e_e >_< Why?! Why is this happeing?!! I know it's probably just a threat, it just makes me very upset that this situation with MY family has to drive them thus.
     And now....and now...what I've been worried about all along 2 things. If either one happens, there will be a schism created. And I will be torn stuck in the middle (maybe I sound melodramatic now...who cares, I know the truth..) The thing is...the more this family hates or, dislikes or is resentful toward my family....the harder it will be for me. I love both families. I can't favor one over the other and I know everyone makes mistakes and does things they shouldn't do. I don't condone what my sister did and I'm not happy about it at all. But, she's my sister, my family, I already lost my Dad, I can't lose them, I can't act as if I hate them for what's happening. I can't cut them off, nor could I do the same for those whom I live with! I wouldn't do that to anyone. Great....I'm crying >_< their talking about sueing. That's one thing I've been so afraid of. I can't do this, I can't be here anymore. I can't. I need out of here. I know I'm selfish but so be it. I'm not letting everyone elses troubles destroy me. I won't. NO! My head hurts....I hate money, I hate reality, I hate it here. Yes I know I've been very blessed and all that. I just I can't do this much longer. And if something happens if this war happens I can't be in the middle of it and I won't be a casualty either.
     I'm not saying that no one has a right to be mad and angry. They do, of course they do! They got screwed! I'm angry too. They have every right to be as angry as I am sad and upset over this. My point is..I don't want to hear it, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I already know it, I know all of it and I don't need to hear over and over and over again that my sister is a *itch >_< I don't need to hear it because I know it all, I know everything and there's nothing I can do to change it or make it better!!!!!!!!!  So what do I do? I don't know, I'll keep praying and praying and praying...till God gives me some kind of answer. All I know right now at this moment I'd give anything to be out of here and to be with him or Him.

  Tis I again. I know, usually I come here to rant but today I'm not sure what I'm here for. Last night I was going to come home and rant but I didn't come here, instead when to my Ugo. (poor guy) I love you!!! Anyway I feel tired today, extra tired. Don't know why, well actually I do. But I'm not sure I want to get into that right now. I REALLY need a job. Here's where the irony vs. confusion goes. I hate people, so how will I work with/for them? And yet throughout this past year, I love people too! That leaves me kind of o_0. Like people make me SO bloody mad and annoyed. But at the same time I love making connections with them, and actually talking to them. That's weird. A big thing for me to because this is the first time in my life (as of this year) that I've felt that way. I avoided people at all costs before. Now I smile at them and start conversations well...maybe not that  much but once in a great while...but I talk to them more, in public. Like last night at Borders...went to get my drink and was commenting to the girl there how much I love Borders, she agreed and the conversation went from there and I discovered that she really "got" what I mean about the new book smell! lol which I love! I don't know, most people would walk away from that without even a second thought like...*shrugs* so I talked to someone...eh. But for me it's like O_O I talked to someone and they liked me and resonded back to me!! O_O XD Yay! lol...crazy I know! But it's like I'm being born again....not in the Christian sense but becoming a new person and learning and growing. This is something that should have happened a long time ago but I've always been late on things like that.
     I feel the need to write another list. A list of what needs to get done. But It seems like everytime I make one I never follow it. I used to, just can't seem to lately. What's up with that, I have no idea. All I know is Monday is motivation day! I hope! Please God don't let anyone have me doing other stuff. I need that time for ME to go out and look for work! Please! >_< I just remembered!!! >_< GRRR! I'm gonna be gone that day!!! Geeze...it's Melissa's B-day and we're heading to Leavanworth (possibly) will be gone for a couple days. *sigh* It's not that I don't want to go, it's just...I REALLY need to get with it!!! And Monday was THE right day!! >_< arrrrgh! I haven't even gone shopping for Melissa! O_O geeze! I gotta go out today *sigh*....life is too complicated. *crawls into Jesus's lap* I stay here with you Lord ok!? Well onto other subjects (geeze I'm neurotic!) I started drawing again after a long hiatus from KJ. Not drawing KJ but something else. I do that once in a while...draw something random just to see if I still have it. It scares me to think I could let my creativity die.